Friday, December 20, 2013

Elysium


Elysium
2013
starring Matt Damon and Jodie Foster
written and directed by Neill Blomkamp
**
2 stars - horribly, delightfully, absurdly bad

ALR Blue - no animals save some pigs in a cart


Yeah, this review will contain spoilers, but since the plot is so painfully obvious from the start, I doubt it will hurt your "enjoyment" at all.

Here's the setup. Rich people move to a space station. Poor people get left behind on a polluted planet. Rich people bad. Poor people good.

It's worth watching if you like special effects and beautiful cinematography. It is lovely and the robots and space ships are way cool.

Matt Damon is an ex-con who gets a lethal dose of radiation and has to get to Elysium or die. He makes a deal with a shady dude to get a false passport to Elysium provided he performs one final act of mayhem. Jodie Foster is the evil head of Homeland Security up on Elysium. Yes, they are called Homeland Security. It is that transparent.

So, like, duh. We see poor people trying to reach the promised land while the evil rich people protect themselves by shooting down the life rafts, er, I mean space ships used as transport. 

The last time I was so anxious for a leading character (Matt Damon) to die was when it took Leonardo Dicaprio about 87 minutes to finally let go of the stupid piece of drift wood and drown already in Titanic (another sorry excuse for a movie that interrupted awesome special effects with a mind numbing plot).

Are you ready? Here's all the totally over the top, OMG how could you be so dumb, moments in Elysium (OK, not all, but my favorites).

  1. Matt Damon gets an exoskeleton to make him strong for his mission. That wasn't dumb. What was dumb was that the surgery was preformed THROUGH HIS T-SHIRT. Yup. Like, guess he's never taking that shirt off again. So he runs around for the rest of the movie in his skanky t-shirt with little blood stains all over it where they drilled into his bones. Hello?
  2. Jodie Foster's accent. WTF woman? You can't be evil ice queen in a normal voice? Some sort of cross between BBC bad guy and Merna Loy.
  3. The radiation chamber. Oh no! Don't go in, Matt, because, you might get.... AHHHHH! Funny how when old Matt was operating it he pushed one button to close and a different button to fire it up but once he was trapped inside the thing just fired up on its own.
  4. And why did the robots need to get radiated anyway?
  5. Was that a voodoo doll they implanted in his head? 
  6. If the downloaded data was in the voodoo doll, why did it suck out Matt Damon's entire brain when the data was recovered? How did they manage just to download the secret codes and not Mr. Bad Guy's entire life anyway?
  7. Jodie Foster's change of heart as her life's blood pumps ridiculously slowly out of a severed artery. No way! Bad to the bone, right? "Let me go." As if!
  8. Big fight scene. Seriously?
  9. All those hospital ships going to Earth in the end and the big stampede of sick and messed up people? ME FIRST! ME FIRST! Yeah, that's going to go well, I'm sure. NOT!
You know what movie they should have made? How about get the whole Matt Damon saves the world stuff out of the way in the first half hour and then show us what happens five years down the line. How much you want to bet the world is divided again in to the haves and have nots and good old Elysium has got the border patrol up and running again. Then, maybe we would have had something to think about.


OK, glad I got that off my chest. I feel better now. Thank goodness I still have about 8700 episodes of Dr. Who to go. Nothing like the Doctor to cleanse one's viewing palette. 

3 comments:

  1. I SO totally agree with you about Titanic! I thought maybe I was the lone person in the universe without a soul since I was all, "GAWD, this plot is just awful!" and everyone else was all, "Best. Movie. Evah!" Haven't seen Elysium but I'll probably skip it due to this review...unless I'm feeling particularly masochistic one night.

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  2. This is very sad news considering how excellent his previous film "District 9" was. I hope he doesn't go the M. Night route with one great movie and then a series of increasingly crappy ones. Well, my wife could always use more nap time ...

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  3. I had a feeling this was one to skip!

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